Saturday, March 17, 2012


Back when I was a youngun knee high to a duck, we had some real fine neighbors , it was just our good luck.

Some were more sociable than others seem to be and some were just down right nosey when they wanted to be

Then you put my grandma in the mix a time or two and what you come up with would be more than you could chew

Now the names have been changed but some of the incidents are real, I had to change the names or I might be killed

Let's see, there was Maude the widow that lived down the road a piece and there was Claude and Gertrude and they were slick as grease

By that I mean we had to watch them quite a bit, they both had a tongue as far as the other could spit

They both loved to gossip it was their middle name, when it came to spreading rumors they were both the same

And they liked to nose around in people's business all the time but grandma had em pegged like a church bell chime

She'd tell em a bunch of bull the most I've ever heard , they'd take it all in hanging on every word

Now grandma and Maude got along really good, they even changed dresses every chance they could

Yep, you read it right it was a sight to see two old women in the woods naked as could be

Well I guess I'm stretching it a little, I didn't actually look, I stood guard in the road that was always my nook

Now I need to back up some and start over again. Grandma liked Maude, she was her sewing friend. Maude sewed her own dresses and that's where it all begin

And while walking to the store one hot summer day we met up with Maude and grandma bragged on Maude's new dress in everyway

I like that new dress Maude, I can still hear it clear and they both swaped dresses in the woods that were near

Well Gertrude and Claude got a hold of that and they spread it all over the counrty on the wings of a gnat

Grandma got mad and Maude did too and they both came up with a plan slick as I ever knew

They told old Claude they needed their garden plowed and knowing he couldn't hear good they had to speak it out loud

Then Grandma said, that patch over yonder on the creek bank Claude and who in the world is that over yonder in the creek said Maude

Claude only heard bits and pieces but he heard enough to know which patch they wanted plowed and then he walked over to the creek to check out the crowd

There he found a bunch of young girls skinny dippin in the creek, when the girls turned and saw him they called him an old creep

Meanwhile grandma and Maude were laughing themselves to death, fanning their aporns cause they couldn't get their breath

Well needless to say word soon got around and here came old Gertrude with a sour face frown

Me and grandma were sittin on the porch churning buttermilk and grandma asked her what was wrong as smooth as any silk

Gertrude started crying the worst I've ever known, she said Claude's went and done it , he's done me wrong

He was seen with them girls over at the creek, they were naked as a jaybird and he just had to peep

I nearly busted out right there on the spot when grandma said come on in Gertrude the day's gettin hot

Well Gertrude sit down in the old rocking chair and poured out her marital problems as if I wasn't there

Then she said, you know I can't help but wonder most of the time if that man is worth it, he ain't worth a dime

Then grandma said, now don't go thinking that about your man you know he's a good person and does what he can

He carries in the wood and water every night and every morning he goes to work plowing before daylight

Now what would you do without him by yourside, it's good to have a man like Claude you ought  to feel pride

Well grandma talked her down after quite a while and she left for home with a toothless grin and a big, old smile

Then come Sunday morning we all went to church and everybody always seem to have their own little perch

Let's see now, me, grandma and Maude sit on the third bench back and Claude and Gertrude sit on the front bench so nothing would they lack

Well the preacher got to preaching on infidility and such and the more he preached the more old Claude didn't like it much

Cause Gertrude kept poking him in the ribs with her boney elbow and Claude would give her a dirty look with a red-face glow

Finally he took about all he could take and he jumped straight up and said woman I've never had eyes for another for goodness sake

The preacher stopped preaching and everything got really quiet, Gertrude jumped up and said you know you have and it just ain't right

I reckon they finally noticed everybody was takin it all in and they went out the door faster than they came in

Now you talk about wanting to laugh but I didn't dare , grandma gave me this look with a big, old stare

Now the rest of the church sit glued to their seat, they just sit there and looked , I never seen the beat

Finally the preacher broke the bread and said, let's all go home we're all done here and the Lord's moved on

Now you talk about people moving, they acted like they'd been stung and the very second they hit the door I heard the flapping of their tongue

But you know that didn't stop Claude and Gertrude from coming back to church, of course Claude sit in the back and Gertrude on her own little perch

And things kind of fell back into place like they were before but I'll never forget how grandma and Maude evened the score

I do here by solemnly declare the names have been changed to protect the innocent, I couldn't help myself I just had to share

                                            Susie Swanson, 2012


  1. Chuckle! I think I would change the names, too! You are so funny ...

    Happy St. Paddy's day t'ya!
    Have a beautiful day ~
    TTFN ~

    1. lol.. I had to, no telling what would happen..Happy St. Patrick's Day to you..

  2. Very enjoyable! Hope you have had a nice St. Patrick's Day!

  3. That is too funny! To tell a great story and make it rhyme takes real creativity!

    1. Thank you Glenda, that means so much..It doesn't always come easy to me.

  4. funny, I could see the whole thing. xxx

  5. Ha! That gave me a good chuckle, Susie. What a funny story and what a clever storyteller you are. :D

    1. Awww thank you Daisy, that made my day..Ireally try but sometimes I just don't know about myself..I go from one extreme to another...yep, that's me very versatile..

  6. I think I know the names of these Loved this. what a fun piece!

  7. Susie,
    This is such a funny story. Sounds like your grandma was a real smart woman. Claude and Maude sure were unique characters. I loved the drama. Thanks for sharing.

    1. Thank you Brenda, she was a character that's for sure..

  8. Great story, Susie... Made me laugh. I loved the 'drama'... Claude and Maude were quite interesting, weren't they???? I'll bet that your grandma was a VERY smart lady.... Thanks for sharing.

    1. Thank you Betsy, glad you enjoyed it. Hugs to you

  9. Those were some neighbors you had, Susie. Sounds like Grandma was quite the character, too.

    1. She sure was Janet and those are neighbors that I created in my the part about the dress swaping is true..

  10. Hello Susie,

    Very hilarious. I enjoyed it particularly the scene in the church. The pastor must have had the shock of his life. Of course the others would have a good laugh at these two people and a topic of conversation in the place for quite some time.

    Many thanks for sharing some memories of your childhood.

    Have a wonderful day,

  11. Susie I will be laughing about this story for a long time! And its amazing how you made the whole thing flow together!

  12. Thank you Tipper, that means a lot..

  13. Okay, Susie~ I am rolling on the floor holding my sides!! TOO FUNNY!