Dear Doctors,
For many years I’ve walked into your
office and listened to you. I’ve heard many things come from your mouths that I
had to go along with thinking it was the answers I needed to get well. Then
when it came my time to tell you all how I felt, you just brushed me off like I
was some crazy person and couldn’t possibly be feeling that way. How can you
know? You don’t live in my body. All you can see is the outside and what’s
going on inside my body you can never feel. You’ll never know the suffering
I’ve had to endure and the many days and nights that I prayed to die, yes I was
and still at times that desperate but if it hadn’t been for a far Greater Power
than any of you I would not be here today.
I’ve tried telling you all for years
that something was badly wrong and you just shook your head or brushed it off
as being a part of aging. What about all the times I saw you when I was in my
thirties and tried to tell you about the strange symptoms I was having? At the
age of 39 I was either on the sofa or the bed for a whole year. I was even
hospitalized three times in that one year and sent to many different
specialists before one specialist uncovered my problem in some labs and it
wasn’t even in his specialty to treat me. After three stays in the hospital one
would think with so much blood drawn it would have been uncovered. The
specialist told me I had Hypothyroidism and sent me back to some of you to be
treated. What did you do? You made me even sicker by putting me on one dose of
thyroid meds. after the other, not knowing what you were even doing till I was
so sick I prayed to die. You never run
the much needed tests on my thyroid that would have told the whole story. After
many gruesome months and needless suffering, one of you finally hit the right
dose and I was on the road to recovery, or so I thought.
But it didn’t stop there, it was only the beginning. All of
those days and nights that I was laid up I started having bladder problems and
hurting so bad I couldn’t walk with one infection after another. After you all wasted
my precious time deciding what to do, one of you finally decided to take a
little of his time to put me in the OR and find the answer. It was another Autoimmune Disease in my
bladder and the lining was inflamed. You even put a name to it but I call it
IC.
After many years of dealing with this
bladder disease and walking in your office for four straight years having
catheters put in my bladder for you to put medicine through, and it burning my
bladder so bad that I sometimes cried after I walked out. After all of this and
the treatments lasting maybe a week if I was lucky I finally found my own
treatment that still keeps me going today. Yes, I had to find my own medicine
and it turned out to be a simple supplement to which you turned your nose up at
and told me you didn’t see how that would work.
A few more years passed with me
walking into your office for regular visits and labs just to be told everything
looked good when deep inside it was far from being good. Inside my body a
raging storm was brewing. I finally got so sick I barley could go and I’ll
never forget how you treated me as if I was crazy yet again and talked down to
me like I was a child or some crazy person and one of you went far enough to
call me a hypochondriac.
Finally, after you all got tired of
seeing my face walk through the door you decided to dig a little deeper only to
find out I had Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis and there was no hope for my thyroid
gland. Finally an answer, but you all told me I would feel so much better once
it was gone and like an idiot I listened to you. But here I am today still
suffering more than ever before and nary a dose of thyroid meds, have I taken
that’s stabilized me. I’m even more sick now than the day I had it removed.
The way of life I once knew is gone.
I’ve had to change my whole lifestyle and diet, tried to heal my gut, take
iron, other supplements, etc. to no avail. I’ve went from being a very get up and go
person, finding pleasure in the little things like cleaning my house, shopping,
working in my flowers etc. to not being able to get up and do anything but
watch others do it for me and take care of me. And if that wasn’t a hard enough pill to
swallow , it’s the feelings of this horrific disease beating my body into the
ground more each passing day and to top all of this my Adrenal Glands have
collapsed from trying to carry my body so long due to all of your negligence
and uncaring. I’m now dealing with the craziest and scariest symptoms I’ve ever
felt yet and there’s a new one to contend with each day. And all the thyroid
medication in the world is not going to be able to help me now. You and I both
know with Adrenal Fatigue, Thyroid medication can’t pull me up when the
adrenals are pulling me down. And dealing with that awful fatigue that can
never be explained. It’s like no other tiredness in the world and that awful
feeling of aching all over and not being able to raise your arms or pick your
feet up to walk due to weakness and trembling.
You’ll never know how many sleepless
night I’ve went through or that dreaded feeling of going to bed each night
knowing I’m going to wake up at the same time, in the wee hours of the morning
because the Stress Hormone called Cortisol is to high.
You’ll never have the feeling of being so
wired you can’t bat an eye or what it’s like to lay in bed and cry because you need
to sleep so bad and uncontrollable depression hits you right between the eyes
in those wee, lonely hours of the morning.
You’ll never know what it’s like to cry out for
God to help you get just one good night’s sleep. Needless to say he and I have
had many long talks in the middle of those long nights and days and if it
hadn’t been for him helping me I wouldn’t even be here today.
He’s surely been there for those
awful panic attacks and the anxiety that never ends. He’s listened to me so
many days and nights when I tried to talk myself down and find that peace and calm
that I yearned for so much.
None of you will ever know what it’s like for
me to drag myself out of bed with the feeling that I could sleep a week and so
tired I can’t hold my eyes open long enough to eat my breakfast, all because my
Cortisol has decided to drop to Low when it’s supposed to be the other way
around with a normal person’s body.
And my eyes are so sore all the time
and I have a headache that would kill a bull.
Nor will you ever know what it’s like
when the Cortisol spikes again during the day time and I’m so light headed I
feel like I’m walking on clouds and
someone has to help me to the restroom for fear of falling.
And trying my best to stay away from
stress because I have zero tolerance and those crazy adrenal rushes that race
through my body at the least bit of stress.
And those uncontrollable shakes that
won’t go away day or night inside my body.
And that awful itching on my body that comes and goes and there’s
nary a bump or a bit of redness to be found.
And having to time myself on how much
TV I can watch at night or be on the computer and try to shut it off at least
an hour or two before bedtime due to seeing blue lights in front of my eyes
when I close them to sleep and pray hard I can.
Then I roll and tumble all night
burning up and sweating on the coldest nights due to that other Hormone the
adrenals put out called Aldosterone when it decides to drop to low.
And a simple thing as taking a shower is a
huge chore and for someone that’s always been independent, to need help is so
degrading.
But the hardest thing to accept is knowing I
may lose my eyesight altogether and that fear that someday I may wake up blind.
And having to live with needing
Dental Work done and knowing with Adrenal Fatigue there’s no way they’ll touch my
mouth because they can’t give any numbing medicine or anesthesia.
That’s what Adrenal Fatigue does to a
body. But how can I forget, you don’t even acknowledge it just like you don’t
acknowledge Hashimoto’s till it’s to late. You all say things like it’s all in your head but
what hurts me the most is when one of you so called know it alls, tell me I
should see my Psychiatrist. None of you will never know the true meaning of how
bad words can hurt when your body is so sick and it causes you to lose what
little mind you have left. A Psychiatrist can’t fix the source, that’s your
job.
I know the road is getting longer by
the day but nary one of you will ever care because you can’t feel my feelings
or go through a nightmare like this or you wouldn’t be so fast to brush people
like me off and hurry to get out the door to see that next patient so you can
get that dollar. I have always been just a number to you and a dollar sign. You
do not live in my body, nor have you had to lay down and give up your life the
way you once knew it and feel like you’re living in the twilight zone every day
and night of your life. You’ll never know what it’s like to lay in the recliner
or on the sofa all day with your muscles wasting away and can barely walk over
the house. You’ll never know the feeling of looking out the windows and wanting
to be outside and your body can’t carry you. And you’ll never understand how
bad it makes your heart hurt to see the finest man and biggest blessing of my
life, my husband have to do everything in the house, cook, wash dishes, run
errands, do the yard and gardening work, take me to see all of you, no matter
how long the wait or trip, and take care of me at the same time and never once
complain. You’ve never seen him kneel down beside me and pray for me and cry
with me or feel the hurt in his heart because he can’t do anything to take it
all away. But I see it every day and my hearts aches for him and what he’s had
to see and go through .
I miss
so many things that I used to take for granted. I see my sewing machine sitting
in the corner and haven’t stitched a quilt in three years. I loved my writing
and the joy it brought to my heart knowing I was preserving my heritage and
roots by keeping it alive. I long to do so much with my life and live it to the
fullest but that’s left up to the one that knows everything about me and you
for that matter. And in case you don’t know his name, it’s God and he’s our
Heavenly Father and the Great Healer, not you. You think you’re so high and
mighty but remember one thing, he gave you the ability to care about your
patients and have compassion but somewhere along the way you’ve dropped that by
the wayside or you’ve never come to know him from the start.
So, when you see me in your office in
my wheelchair I ask you to take a good look at what and who I’ve become. I’m
someone that looks in the mirror every day and doesn’t recognize the person
looking back. I’m someone that’s lost so much weight that my skin is sagging.
I’m someone that has to eat every two to three hours or I’ll pass out due to
developing Hypoglycemia because my adrenals can’t put out enough energy and my
sugar drops and all the symptoms that come with it.
All of this should have and could
have been prevented if you’d took the time to really listen to me and let me
tell you how I was feeling instead of shrugging me off. You could have easily
found out if you’d done the necessary Labs that I ask you to do instead of
telling me that you didn’t go by those Labs. When someone is so sick they
barely can crawl and all else has failed, would it have wasted that much of
your time to take it a step farther in finding the root cause or be willing to
change their thyroid meds, for something that might have worked.
It shouldn’t be so hard to remember the person
that walked in your office so many times, even though she had to crawl and not
recognize her today. She’s still here but only by the Mercy and Grace of God. I
promise, it was nothing you did and she will keep on researching and trying to
help herself just like she’s always done. Maybe, one of these days God will see
fit for her to find that one special supplement or miracle pill that she so
longs for that will heal her and put her back on her feet. And she can honestly
say it’ll be, no thanks to all of you.
I ask God every day to take this
anger away from me towards all of you for my own sake as well as others so I
can live what’s left of my life regardless and find some peace. And that I can accept
what comes my way and try to go on living till God calls me home. I want you to
know it has taken every ounce of my strength and what little efforts I have and
many weeks to even write this letter. The only thing left for me to say to all
of you is…..
I’m praying that every one of you with the MD
at the end of your name will find some of that much needed caring, and understanding
and be willing to take the time to
really listen so you can have compassion for the many others that’s like me or
the ones following in my footsteps. I ask you all to remember one thing, we’re
all human beings put on this earth for a reason . We all have our own battles
to fight. Please do not let another person walk in your office or go down this same
road without trying to help them. We only ask for help, nothing more, nothing
less and we will not give up.
Each day we wake and choose to carry
on another 24 hours in agony, we prove ourselves. We’re all Warriors. Who knew
that we would be conceived into such existence where pain and death are
inevitable. We didn’t ask for this. But….there’s a plan far Greater waiting for
us and a Great Destiny for each of us. We’re Strong, We’re able. Let’s keep
fighting Soldiers. We will not give up.
© Susie Swanson, 2017