Back when I was a youngun knee high to a duck, we had some real fine neighbors , it was just our good luck.
Some were more sociable than others seem to be and some were just down right nosey when they wanted to be
Then you put my grandma in the mix a time or two and what you come up with would be more than you could chew
Now the names have been changed but some of the incidents are real, I had to change the names or I might be killed
Let's see, there was Maude the widow that lived down the road a piece and there was Claude and Gertrude and they were slick as grease
By that I mean we had to watch them quite a bit, they both had a tongue as far as the other could spit
They both loved to gossip it was their middle name, when it came to spreading rumors they were both the same
And they liked to nose around in people's business all the time but grandma had em pegged like a church bell chime
She'd tell em a bunch of bull the most I've ever heard , they'd take it all in hanging on every word
Now grandma and Maude got along really good, they even changed dresses every chance they could
Yep, you read it right it was a sight to see two old women in the woods naked as could be
Well I guess I'm stretching it a little, I didn't actually look, I stood guard in the road that was always my nook
Now I need to back up some and start over again. Grandma liked Maude, she was her sewing friend. Maude sewed her own dresses and that's where it all begin
And while walking to the store one hot summer day we met up with Maude and grandma bragged on Maude's new dress in everyway
I like that new dress Maude, I can still hear it clear and they both swaped dresses in the woods that were near
Well Gertrude and Claude got a hold of that and they spread it all over the counrty on the wings of a gnat
Grandma got mad and Maude did too and they both came up with a plan slick as I ever knew
They told old Claude they needed their garden plowed and knowing he couldn't hear good they had to speak it out loud
Then Grandma said, that patch over yonder on the creek bank Claude and who in the world is that over yonder in the creek said Maude
Claude only heard bits and pieces but he heard enough to know which patch they wanted plowed and then he walked over to the creek to check out the crowd
There he found a bunch of young girls skinny dippin in the creek, when the girls turned and saw him they called him an old creep
Meanwhile grandma and Maude were laughing themselves to death, fanning their aporns cause they couldn't get their breath
Well needless to say word soon got around and here came old Gertrude with a sour face frown
Me and grandma were sittin on the porch churning buttermilk and grandma asked her what was wrong as smooth as any silk
Gertrude started crying the worst I've ever known, she said Claude's went and done it , he's done me wrong
He was seen with them girls over at the creek, they were naked as a jaybird and he just had to peep
I nearly busted out right there on the spot when grandma said come on in Gertrude the day's gettin hot
Well Gertrude sit down in the old rocking chair and poured out her marital problems as if I wasn't there
Then she said, you know I can't help but wonder most of the time if that man is worth it, he ain't worth a dime
Then grandma said, now don't go thinking that about your man you know he's a good person and does what he can
He carries in the wood and water every night and every morning he goes to work plowing before daylight
Now what would you do without him by yourside, it's good to have a man like Claude you ought to feel pride
Well grandma talked her down after quite a while and she left for home with a toothless grin and a big, old smile
Then come Sunday morning we all went to church and everybody always seem to have their own little perch
Let's see now, me, grandma and Maude sit on the third bench back and Claude and Gertrude sit on the front bench so nothing would they lack
Well the preacher got to preaching on infidility and such and the more he preached the more old Claude didn't like it much
Cause Gertrude kept poking him in the ribs with her boney elbow and Claude would give her a dirty look with a red-face glow
Finally he took about all he could take and he jumped straight up and said woman I've never had eyes for another for goodness sake
The preacher stopped preaching and everything got really quiet, Gertrude jumped up and said you know you have and it just ain't right
I reckon they finally noticed everybody was takin it all in and they went out the door faster than they came in
Now you talk about wanting to laugh but I didn't dare , grandma gave me this look with a big, old stare
Now the rest of the church sit glued to their seat, they just sit there and looked , I never seen the beat
Finally the preacher broke the bread and said, let's all go home we're all done here and the Lord's moved on
Now you talk about people moving, they acted like they'd been stung and the very second they hit the door I heard the flapping of their tongue
But you know that didn't stop Claude and Gertrude from coming back to church, of course Claude sit in the back and Gertrude on her own little perch
And things kind of fell back into place like they were before but I'll never forget how grandma and Maude evened the score
I do here by solemnly declare the names have been changed to protect the innocent, I couldn't help myself I just had to share
Susie Swanson, 2012
