Sunday, October 13, 2013

Jack Of All Trades

There's two old fellers in the neighborhood and you gotta love em although they're so often misunderstood.
Slim and Slick is not their given name but I'll call em that if it's all the same.
They're a jack of all trades and they can do anything. They raise hogs, calves, chickens, grow gardens, the best you ever seen, collect junk metal and haul wood. The list could go on and that's just the upswing.
Anything that comes along, these fellers can do. They never back down, they always see it through.
They've cleaned up the community and the country side too. There's no scrap metal or junk to be found and we all feel pride when we pass through.
They cut and haul wood in their spare time, deliver and unload, no better service will you find.
If you need anything done just give them a call, they'll come running even if they're so tired they have to crawl.
You might find them at the barn, bottle feeding a calf or running after a cow and it's hard not to laugh.
One old cow named Oprah thought she had em pegged one day as she run. She was gonna show em it was her way or the highway before she was done.
They put her in the pasture to dry up some, hoping for a calf when the cooler weather come.
She got out of the pasture and was on the other side of the fence. It was early morning when it all commence.
They run her all day on the other side of that fence. Their tongue was hanging out, it was a good thing they both had stopping sense.
She wore em plum out, they were tuckered, don't you know. That old cow thought that grass was greener on the other side and after it she did go.
Now old Oprah is usually a really good cow. She's produced a lot of milk, butter and buttermilk, done more than her fair share.
This time she wanted to feel wild and free and who could blame her. She should have won the Mother Of The Year Award for feeding so many calves loyally.
When they finally caught her and put her back in the stall, she was mad as a hornet and what happened next takes the cake and beats it all.
They keep an old box fan in the barn on when it's hot. She flew mad and did her business at the back of that fan and it became wind blown in every corner and spot.
I'm telling you the truth, yes-siree, that stuff blew all over the place and oh what misery.
You've heard the old sayin, the crap hit the fan. Well if you knew these fellers like I do you'd understand.
Old Slim is lanky and quite tall and Slick is shorter and built kinda small. If you ever see em you'll know em and they'll be easy to recall.
Slim was the one that discovered what she did and he hollered, come quick Slick and lookeee here and while you're at it bring me another beer.
 Slick said, what's that on your face Slim and why you got that big grin. Slim said, Will You Open Your Eyes And Look Around, Where You Been.
Apparently Slick had been tending to a calf in the back of the barn. About that time something hit him in the eye and all he could say was, I'll be darn.
Not to many people know about this little incident but word has a way of getting around and as long as they live they'll never live this one down.
It's things like this that happens all the time. These old boys are like two peas in a pod and two of a kind.
It seems if it wasn't for bad luck they'd have no luck at all. They sure can get themselves in a mess and that's their downfall.
It's even harder on em in the winter time when the cold north wind blows in. They build a big fire in the wood heater and all of the chickens, cats and dogs gather in.
I call that barn their headquarters, so many things going on everyday. Headquarters are very important to all working men when it's the place they purt, nigh stay.
It doesn't matter what season it is, they've always got work to do. You might even pass em on the road hauling feed, it keeps em hopping too.
What time they're not in the gardens sweating to beat the band. But it all pays off and harvest time is so grand.
And they can grow the prettiest and biggest gardens you've ever seen. They do all this while raising calves, hogs and everything else in between.
And they believe in sharing their bounty with the neighborhood. They ain't a bit stingy, they give more than they should.
I get my fair share every year. That kraut sure will taste good when cold weather gets here.
And those beans, squash, corn and maters are oh so fine. Nothing like em anywhere, store bought ain't worth a dime.
These fellers provide more services in one day than can be found in the phone book. If they can't do it they'll find a way. If you don't believe me then come and take a look.
They should have already won the Nobel Prize Award for the being the most generous around. I'm gonna make sure their name's in the pot for the next go around.
And every morning when they wake and their feet hit the floor, they grab a dip of Copenhagen and run out the door. Taking care of business like the day before, so much to do as they tend to each chore.
Going from one thing to another the live long day. Two old boys working hard with plenty of satisfaction and blessings as their pay.
So if you pass through my neighborhood and see it so clean, or two old fellers running after a cow and tending a garden in between, hauling wood or junk metal, they're living the good life the best you've ever seen.
And be sure and watch for em next on the evening news. They're really popular in these parts and the old cow too. She'll be the one that moos and they'll be the ones with manure on their shoes.

© Susie Swanson, 2013

This is a true story folks, I couldn't have made it up if I'd tried 


  1. Haha! Very cute and clever poem, Susie! Well done. :D

  2. A good read! We could use more like them.

  3. I am smiling. This was such a fun read. Thank you Susie!

  4. Oh, that is funny! I can see it all now. :)

  5. LOL, this made me chuckle! What an image you've created, and the fact that it's real makes it all the better:) Hugs to you

    1. Thank you so much Lise. It wasn't so hard to write it, they wrote it for me. LOL.

  6. Replies
    1. Thank you Charlotte. They sure are and just as kind hearted as they come.

  7. So amazing and so funny, I would have loved to have see it. xx Who did you finally get to publish your book?? Glad its done and it looks lovely. xx

    1. Awe, thank you Crystal Mary. Wiregrass Publishing Co. did it. They are local, I did the layout myself though. xo

  8. Susie, This is a funny post :):) I think we all know someone near like these guys. There is a man in every town that can do anything, repair, over haul, fix, mend, alter, you name it. xoxo,Susie
    P.S. I got my book today...thank you. Can't wait to read it. xo

    1. Thank you Susie. I'm sure there's at least one in every town. I'm so happy you received your book. Hope you find much pleasure and enjoyment in it. xo

  9. Susie,
    This sure is a funny story. These two guys are unique, but sounds like they do a great service for their neighborhood. That cow sounds like she has a mind of her own.
    Blanche and I are enjoying your book very much.

    1. Awe, thank you so much Brenda. Yes they are something else that's for sure. I'm glad you and your mother are enjoying the book..

  10. Oh I can easily picture these two characters...we have some who are cut from the same cloth around here!
    There's nothing funnier than seeing people chasing a loose cow or horse at the county fair, or at the corner gas station around here.
    One time as I was driving a country road, I had to stop my jeep because there was a horse who had slipped from being hooked to a buggy running straight for me on the road...Two little Amish boys were chasing behind him. They held onto their hats while the ran...both waved at me as they ran past! What a memory :)
    ~God bless~ Lisa

    1. LOL, that is so funny Lisa. I can just see them running down the road. .I bet you laughed so hard after it was over..